Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Don't want to spend my whole life waiting

Thats what I feel like we have been doing for the past few weeks. Just waiting. On everything. After the second miscarriage a few weeks ago I had some (understatement-- a lot) of blood drawn to test for auto-immune disorders. I expect that everything should be fine. Lord knows we have learned not to expect anything in this house before it happens. Should be hearing back later this week about that stuff. Taxes--no explanation needed. Livi's Kid Walk is on hold right now because the paperwork is stuck in outerspace somewhere (outerspace being the insurance companies). And truly the most frustrated waiting is this down period with Livi's seizures. They are at it again and it seems the last two weeks have been especially difficult. Generally this means more medicine and more sleeping. Now, after having put a call in to our "new" neurologist in St. Louis just a second ago, I am waiting to see what she wants to do. Up old medication? Try new medication? Call our neurologist here?

Even though we shouldn't need constant reminders that truly only God is in control of things, I do. Any second I can snap back into "I run my own life by my own power with my own will" attitude. I don't think God allows Livi to have seizures just to catch my attention. Obviously there could be a million other things that would do that, but we only understand who we are in relation to who he is when we have nothing else. This week I feel as if I have nothing else to count on. And I don't. He shouldn't be my last resort. He is the creator of the universe and He loves us. He should always be my first resort, but my sinful heart clings to everything else until it falls away before I look for him. This is a painful place to be, but a good and beautiful place to be.

Livi's finally getting ready for her nap. Its going to rain all day. Sounds like the perfect time to wait.


  1. girl, i feel you on this post. i was reading "a praying life" and it seems like so many people i know are in the waiting period.

    "If God is Sovereign, then He is in control of all the details of my life. If He is loving, then He is going to be shaping the details of my life for my good. If He is all-wise, then He’s not going to do everything I want because I don’t know what I need. If He is patient, then He is going to take time to do all this. When we put all these things together — God’s sovereignty, love, wisdom, and patience — we have a divine story.

    People often talk about prayer as if it is disconnected from what God is doing in their lives. But we are actors in His drama, listening for our lines, quieting our hearts so we can hear the voice of the Playwright.

    You can’t have a good story without tension and conflict, without things going wrong. Unanswered prayers create some of the tensions in the story God is weaving in our lives. When we realize this, we want to know what God is doing. What pattern is God weaving?"

  2. Girl, please! I was so close to emailing that exact part to you the other day after your post. Geez! I have fiercely underlined that part of the book. No doubt!