So tired

I can't believe its already 10:30. I don't know what time it feels like, but not that. The past few weeks have been great, but too busy to think. Now that its calmed down I have time to think. I don't like having time to think.

I held back tears a lot today and cried a lot tonight. I grieved for the loss I thought I had in my daughter several months back--grieved for myself. Today, I am grieving for her. The process is, if you can imagine, more painful. I wish that somehow I could take on whatever has overtaken her little body and let her do the things her brain is telling her to do. I know that she understands much more than she can tell me. She has opinions and desires. I know she has favorite toys and colors and wants to crawl more than I've ever seen another kid want something. But she can't tell me the things she wants. She can't, most often, point to them or grab them. I rely solely on what I think her eyes are telling me. I am learning, but I have not perfected that art yet. She wants to crawl, and I help her, but I can tell she wants to try on her own. Laying on her belly she kicks her legs, but won't move her arms. She does not get anywhere like that. I try to interpret her "more" and "all done" hand motions like the teacher told me, but her arms are so sporadic it is really difficult and I think I am wrong with what I assume most of the time.

Mostly I try to pretend like it doesn't bother me and everything will be okay. In some way I have to believe that, or I can't get up in the morning. But the 'snapping out of it' we had hoped for in January has not come. It is spring now and while Olivia is improving. It is very slowly and it is very exhausting. But we can at least be grateful for that. I just guess I decided to be honest and while some days are okay, some are not. Today is one of those.