When I was pregnant, or really before that, I had these visions of pushing a stroller, as a size 4, with my hair done, in heals with a cooing baby. Gone are those days. Today my dream is getting a shower in before noon, wearing matching socks, with hair that has been cut in the last four months and a shirt that does not have medicine or vitamin stains on it. My house is not as I would decorate it with chic vintage finds and dust-free knick knacks. It it littered with medicine syringes, oxygen tanks and a pediatric stander that looks like a torture device. My kitchen is littered with dirty dishes almost constantly and my room looks like my closet threw up my clothes all over the floor--all the time.
Over the past year I have quietly but staunchly held the view that having a special needs child does not make my life different than other mothers.Yesterday and today through books and conversations that view has been shattered and I am in the midst of building a new and more accurate view and goal for my days. I read my first book about parenting a special needs child. I guess even the name "special needs" means different. I just didn't want to admit so. All these parents say that they can't keep their house clean either. The difference is that they admit it. Now I am too.
Here I am world. Kelly Key. I am a mother to a wonderful girl who is about to turn one year old. She does not operate physically above a 3mo olds standards and requires constant attention when awake. My husband is wonderful but absolutely busy. We have the best friends and family in the world. My house is not clean. My floors are muddy from the dog (who is the culprit for the hairy couches), there are medicine bottles and oxygen tanks everywhere. Most often I do not put makeup on in the morning because the physical therapists do not care. I make a good dinner maybe twice a week and my car is a disaster. But I am proud of my life and my family. And where I would not accept help, now I require it. I am a constant work in progress and mostly a complete failure, but I try the best I can at everything I do. And when it is not enough, I will now learn to call someone else and ask for help. And that is okay. It will have to be okay.