Its Sunday morning and we are not at church--at least Livi and I aren't. She had a strange night last night of dropping her oxygen to uncomfortable numbers for Brian and I and then going back up to breathing well almost right away. She sounds like she has another cold--which I am hoping is some kind of reaction to the strange shift in weather we've been having. This morning she is doing much better, which is fortunate because I don't know if I can make it through another sick bout. But thats not why I'm writing...
I was just preparing for some time I spend with a college girl on the weekends doing "discipleship". I guess thats in quotes because I feel like I'm not very apt at it. Anyway, I was reviewing some questions we meditate on to help us reflect on the true station of our hearts. I stopped at one that said, "What do you think about most often? What preoccupies or obsesses you? In the morning, to what does your mind drift to instinctively?"
Me? Lately about Livi and what I can do to help her x,y,z... And those things are okay and even good to think about, but not to have sole ownership of my thoughts and actions, because then I begin to believe that I have control of any of those things--which by now I would be a fool to think that I could.
I oscillate back and forth across this fine line of believing being a good mother means doing everything I can for her, and believing I can change circumstances if I just work hard enough--do enough--want it enough. Again, I should know my lesson on this by now. Sometimes I do have a proper view of this, but usually only after I am smacked out of a time of belief in myself and my own control.
This morning I am reminded of who I am and who God is. I am reminded of my own capabilities and my own role as a mother. I am to do the best job I can to care for her and love her. This does not include obsessing when I am "resting" so that I have to continually take excedrin migraine to function when Livi wakes up from her nap. My role is to believe in the person and work of Christ. To believe that He has total control of the entire world, that He loves Livi and our family and that His good will be accomplished in His time and in His way--and then to live like I believe that. That...that is the difficult part. Apart from the Holy Spirit I will never be able to do that. The task seems completely daunting and inconceivably impossible. Its a good thing its not just up to me, then.
Trying harder doesn't fix things--believe me, I've tried. Allowing God to release myself of the power the idol of control has over me and living and walking in a way shows that I believe Christ and what he said and did won't fix things--probably not the way I want them to be "fixed", but it will allow me to experience joy in my life because I believe God to be sufficient for all things--even for my daughter, even for my headaches, even for the unknown and the future.
Sorry if this turned out choppy--I was interrupted for snot and mucus duty about ten times while I was writing this. Back to "resting" then... :)