Get it together, woman

...And I did. Sort of. As much as I ever have had "it" together. Livi came home Wednesday night and I was very worried of dealing with the same sort of issues. She still does cough some, but so far no throwing up and she seems to be in a really decent mood and the best part--we are all sleeping at night! Thank you, Lord. We made a few changes to her regimen, but it seems to be helping. Also, if you see us out and about the next three weeks or so she will be wearing her oxygen again. Its just a precaution in case she gets sick again for her pulmonary hypertension. Technically she is breathing just fine now, so don't worry.

Sometimes I have to stop and remember what our life used to be like with Livi--the early years. It was really difficult and we didn't hardly go out in public, but we were happy to have her alive. I have gotten spoiled and this seemingly "backwards" moving lately has really irritated me, not just for her, but honestly because it cramps my style too.  How selfish. Perspective is everything and the Lord has been gracious to slap me in the face with that. Quality of life does not solely depend on how easy things are for me: trips to load the car, time it takes to set up her computer and switch, the fact that its been May since I've had a haircut. Those are not the things that make life joyful. I cannot even legitimately find my joy in how Olivia is doing---trust me, I've tried. My joy comes from God who sent his Son to die for me, that I might be given a new heart in this life and an eternal home in heaven in the next. That is the only thing that never, ever changes. So, pull myself by my bootstraps? Nope. Tried a bunch. That does not work. I know I have to look to God to fulfill me and help me cast my anxieties on Him. THEN, and only then do I enjoy the life I have been given.

We are also finding joy in the Lord in the anticipation of our new addition. We went back to the perinatologist yesterday and baby girl is growing everywhere, but her belly is still little. The bloodflow and amniotic fluid and movements all look good. Maybe I just have skinny babies. Don't judge. They are just as cute and cuddly as the fat ones. Come to think of it, it didn't take Livi long to acclamate to her tire-rolled arms. Just now babes #2 got super fiesty and is kicking the crap out of me. Probably 'copping a 'tude: "yea, don't judge."

AND (what, there's more?) just to wet your appetite: Brian and I have a VERY EXCITING thing doing on in our lives right now that we will be happy to tell you all about---next week.

Not gonna lie...

Don't hate me, but we've been back in the hospital with Olivia for two days now. She is doing great and will probably go home really soon. Its hard to explain what exactly the problem is, so I just avoided it all together. Its a real talent of mine.

For about the last week and the half her allergies have been gigantically infuriating. She has been coughing and vomiting up mucus and some food and sometimes medicine. The real problem is she gets choked so easily (thus the eating through the feeding tube) so Brian and I have been getting little to no sleep due to having to begin close to life-saving techniques on her. We are tired. Monday she needed extra oxygen and we brought her into the ER. They suctioned her good (with a special suction we don't have at home) and she has been doing better. Just an hour ago getting off oxygen all together. This afternoon they will be checking to see why she is vomiting. When she had her feeding tube put in they also did a technique where they tightened the bottom of her esophagus to keep acid and food from reaching her mouth. Today they will put some stuff through her tube and then watch her on an x-ray to see if the food is coming up past the surgery place. I hope not, though I just want to not have to worry about driving in the right lane all the time in case I have to pull over and keep her from choking to death on her vomit. This has happened a few times in the last couple of weeks. Scary and not fun.

So, instead of being Suzy Sunshine and telling you all the wonderful things about our life--of which there are many--I'm going to be negative and honest and tell you how we're really feeling. Finally rested and ready to get our girl back to normal.

Fall Fabulousness

So, I unashamedly LOVE fall. I don't know what it is. Well, I kind of do. I am a sensory oriented person. I love to smell things baking or yummy candles, snuggling blankets even when I'm not cold, holding tea even when I don't necessarily want to drink it. I guess its all a comfort thing. At the risk of all the women who read this hating me, I also LOVE football. Like, love it. Brian always says that part of the reason he married me was so we could wake up on Saturday mornings in the fall and watch 2 hours of College Game Day together without feeling bad. And we do.

So, I have been waiting, and not very patiently, for fall to arrive. I am also the woman who wants to decorate for Christmas on Thanksgiving--something Brian does not LOVE about me :)
So, waiting and waiting to celebrate fall in my own freakish way. But, fall has begun in my mind. I have been on this year-long hunt for the perfect smelly candles. I am REALLY picky for some reason about this. I have looked at cheap and expensive and everywhere in between and have not found candles that I loved, until last week. Oh, Febreeze, I did not expect to find my perfect candles on your shelf! But, $5 a piece? Yes. I think I will. Something pumpkin and something apple and that did it. They smell great, even if you don't light them! So, thanks to my fall candles, fall has begun. Which gave rise to this beautiful Target purchase yesterday (when I was supposed to be picking up just eggs)

 

Delish! So, here's my dirty little secret-- I don't really like to cook or bake in the months between March and August. Maybe its too hot or something. But, come September 1 and my husband can't keep me out of the grocery store. This little baking beauty is LEGIT. For real. I looked at all the recipes and there is not one in there that I wouldn't eat. And, just to make you feel better, there are zucchini muffins. Can't wait to break this thing in.

For those of you who just like to read about Olivia, I have something for you too. Just cause I kinda like her as well. She has gotten into this habit of making a pouting face pretty often. I'm not really sure why or where she learned it (I swear it wasn't from me!) but she wouldn't wipe this angry, pouty look off her face yesterday. I gave her her piano and she banging the keys REALLY hard and looking at me with this pout. So, I have to video it. She stopped pounding so hard but was still pouting. Here it is...

Quick note

We brought Livi back home from the hospital yesterday, Saturday. I think sometimes she just wants to see her friends at Children's Mercy. Sometimes there is no other reason we go. So, she is doing well, Brian and I are rested and we are all at home, which makes Tugger one happy dude. Thanks for your prayers.

One guess where we are

Wednesday morning after a time of terrible constipation and a 105 degree fever I brought Livi to the ER. Her white cell count was seriously up, so they figured it was a UTI with constipation which happens pretty regularly, I guess. After A LOT of miralax she seemed to feel a lot better and the doctors, now knowing her well, figured they'd keep her a few days to keep an eye on her. So, yesterday morning I got to the hospital and she is still on oxygen from the night before. They did a chest x-ray and she has a little "schmutz" on her left lower lobe of her lung. Might not turn out to be too much since she's just on a bit of oxygen. This morning while I was holding her she had this really deep wet cough. *sigh* Olivia. Its my daughter, so nobody much knows how any of this will play out, so we're just waiting and watching. Livi seems to be feeling pretty good...sleeping a bit more than usual, but sitting up with Brian and I and reading books and watching movies a few hours a day.

Also yesterday morning Brian and I went to the perinatologist again. The baby is growing great except for her belly.? I know, right? Why the belly? The Dr. said not the worry about it (yea right) but her weight is right on track so far so we have a lot to be grateful for. We go back in 2 weeks for them to check her again. Maybe I just have skinny babies. Lord knows Olivia plumped up just fine. Anyone remember her tire arms? I do.

A step in the right direction

I mean, I know I don't need to say it, but awesome weather, right? We had a fabulous holiday weekend with my family. Brian preached two of the three services on Sunday and then Monday was beautiful so we headed out (along with half of Kansas City) to the zoo. Livi and I played in the shade while Brian got us some lunch...

The post title is really more about me than Livi-- sorry grandmas! Livi actually hasn't had a great couple of days. More seizures than usual and some other bodily function problems that we are currently working on eliminating. (two guesses) Preschool today was less than stellar because of all of these issues and yet, I found myself thinking 'what a wonderful day despite how Olivia is doing'. I know that sounds strange, but for the past 2 1/2 years my life has completely revolved around the kind of day Olivia was having. Horrible, I know. But its honest. But today---today even though I knew Livi wasn't doing really well at preschool I left there from dropping her off and happened to have an impromptu walk with Brian from work to lunch at McCoys on the deck on the most beautiful day of the year. The whole day has been such a blessing and I am finally learning to be my own person. (Thanks mom, also for reminding me that will only be the case for the next three months. Thanks a lot!)

Yay for the McCoy's patio.

And definitely yay for this man! I love him so much!