Thursday, February 24, 2011

Down, but not out

I realize after a few phone calls yesterday that my cynicism is worse than I thought. Apparently it seriously skews my expectations and therefore skews your understanding of the situation.

Hear this: Olivia is doing much better today.

Like actually doing better (as far as what we can medically and scientifically measure) and she looks more like herself. She was a little puffy looking yesterday and her tummy was a little harder than it should have been, so after a slight prod from me the medical teams gave her some meds for both of those and she looks great. (I could totally skip medical school--I know!)

She is still on a little bit of oxygen, but as low as their regulator will measure. She is breathing great and just coughing stuff up every once in a while. Her heartrate is still higher than it should be, but she is still having a few fevers a day, so that is pretty normal. She was awake for a few hours yesterday afternoon and cuddle with--who else, but Brian. And did some playing and holding hands.

In other news, this morning before Brian and I returned to the hospital (after going home last night and sleeping about 9hrs) we went on a tour of CCVI where Olivia will go to preschool in the fall. I have drafted Brian to blog about our experience there some time this week, but suffice it to say even though we have currently raised over $800 for the walk we are newly motivated to hit you all up for more donations. It was amazing!

(I NEVER do this, but I just edited that last paragraph and realized how often I use commas in inappropriate ways, just, because, I, feel, like, it. Seems, like, a, nautral, way, to, show, my, expression., Sorry for doing that ALL the time. I know I do, but I like commas and you can't technically stop me from using them. So there.)

As you can probably tell I am in a much better mood today despite the cold temps and blowing snow. Yes. Freaking snow again. Anyway, I am in a "better mood" because I am seriously seeking to understand my cynicism in a spiritual way that allows me to believe and trust in God more. It seems silly. He has obviously done so much for us and cared for us so wonderfully. Why would I continue to distrust Him?
Part of the answer comes from an amazing book I am reading: A Praying Life by Paul Miller. This is what he says about cynicism:

The opposite of a childlike spirit is a cynical spirit. Cynicism is, increasingly, the dominant spirit of our age. Personally, it is my greatest struggle in prayer. If I get an answer to prayer, sometimes I'll think, It would have happened anyway. Other times I'll try to pray but wonder if it makes any difference. Many Christians stand at the edge of cynicsm, struggling with a defeated weariness. Their spirits have begun to deaden, but unlke the cynic, they've not lost hope. My friend Bryan summarized it this way: 'I think we have built up scar tissue from our frustrations, and we don't want to expose ourselves anymore. Fear constrains us." Cynicism and defeated weariness have this in common: They both question the active goodness of God on our behalf. Left unchallenged, their low-level doubt leaves room for bigger doubt. They've lost their childlike spirit and thus are unable to move toward their heavenly Father.

Thats my problem too. I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop about almost everything. It is not a joyful way to live and I am insistant on allowing God to change that in me. As a side note, I noticed Mr. Miller up there uses a lot of commas too. Maybe I got that from him. :)

Thanks for the prayers. I will keep updating as much as there is to update and look for a post from Brian telling you about CCVI yet again. Also, my spell check has checked out. I am the world's worst speller. Sorry.


  1. I think world's worst is a little strong, but you are definitely (and no exaggeration) the world's best momma! You never cease to go to bat for your child, where I might have occasionally said something like "go play in the street." I hope you have by now forgiven me :). Never, ever give up on yourself. We (all) love you (all). See you soon.

  2. I'm happy to hear that Olivia is doing better and that the 3 of you have been able to get some rest.

    Thank you to you and Mr. Miller for your thoughts on cynicism and a defeated spirit and how they keep you away from the Lord. I have some places to work on.

  3. good word. i needed to read that today.

    glad that livi is feeling better. she is just the sweetest.

    and i use a lot of commas too. it is, for me, a glorious thing.

  4. I personally have a penchant for the ellipsis... over using this wonderous bit of punctuation to a fault... I feel it contains a bit of trust in others to interpret in their own best way... remaining ever hopeful about the commonality of our human experience...

    You guys are awesome!