winter happenings

I would apologize again for waiting so long to blog, but I know thats getting old and obviously I'm not that sorry or I wouldn't do it anymore. Moving on...

A couple of weeks ago Gabby turned one. Can you believe it? I can't. I know its often that someone makes a comment about time going so quickly. I guess they do because its just so true. I am LOVING this stage of growth and maturity in Gabby. I feel like she is learning (and saying and doing) something new every day. Many of those times its learning (again and again) what NOT to do which constitutes her poised to do something "wrong" saying "no no" to me, and then doing it anyway. I appreciate her tenacity, but those are not always fun times. I did have to inform her the other day that its too bad for her that the only person in this family more stubborn than her is me. She'll learn to love me for that-- one day.

We had a little party for her and interestingly enough, she fades to the background a little with so many people around. Must get that from her father.

We tried to start some new traditions with her for this holiday time. We, of course, were not really sure what to do. The last few years around Christmas Liv had been too sick for us to go many places, so we had to take a cue from our friends. We spent a day (her birthday) at Crown Center. It was great. She, of course, is interested in everything, especially if its lit up and shiny. Lucky for her...

We spent the weekend before Christmas in Joplin with family, including her cousin who is 10 weeks younger than her. They were a hoot and kept every entertained, for sure.

As you would expect, parts of the holiday season were difficult for us, being the first Christmas without Olivia. We are definitely going to blog about that more in the coming days. We had to peek open the door of blogging just a bit with a fun and easy post.

Hope everyone enjoyed their holiday.

Written in stone

So, I know its Thanksgiving and I'm probably supposed to write some kind of a post about that. I think we'll end up there-- I think. But thats not where we're starting.

Last Friday I was driving two crabby girls around in the back of my car waiting for them to either lighten up or fall asleep. I had 10 minutes to spare before I had to be someplace, so I stopped by my old "sure-fire waste 10 minutes" place-- the cemetery. I like to go at least once a week, mostly a few times. It had been a few days and I drove on in hoping I could escape the car a few minutes to visit Liv's patch of grass. Before I even pulled the car up I saw it and my breath caught in my chest and the hysterical tears began.

I hadn't been expecting it. They hadn't said that they would call when it came in, I just figured they would. But they didn't, and I couldn't pretend like I hadn't seen it. Thanksgiving to Christmas had been the time frame-- I guess it came a little early. Nevermind that they forgot to attach the vase...

After I finished my hysterics, a phone call to Brian and my mother, and a visit to Liv I really looked at the headstone. It seemed a bit plain, but then again, thats kind of our style. All the information is correct and I began to really focus on that sentence at the bottom. We really struggled for a while with what to add to the stone. We could have put the "you will be missed", "she was beautiful", "and angel among us" type sentence and none of that would really be wrong. But Brian and I thought that we would be the ones looking at it-- not Liv. We will always remember her silly, ornery attitude, that she was SO beautiful, and what her short life meant to us. We thought, though, there might be days-- either days or decades from when this stone arrived-- that we might be tempted to feel entitled, to wag our finger at God, or to be angry with Him that he shorted our family. We thought that lyric from Liv's song would remind us of what we really need to know when we visit her.

We needed to remember that the promises of God are certainly true all the time and are the ONLY thing we can really trust in in this life. He does not promise a happy, easy life obviously. But His promises are so much more expansive and long lasting. They are promises for the soul and not so much for the body. Those promises are what I am thankful for. Late at night when I'm thinking of Liv and the loss that we an incurred when she left, I have NOTHING else but the promises of God to hold onto. He is faithful-- all the time. It is against His nature to ever be contrary to that. There is so much consolation in His word-- not only consolation, but joy.

So, Happy Thanksgiving.

A "good" Livi day

I love my daughter and treasure so much the memories I have of her. But (much like our view of God) often the intensity of her spirit dims and the scope of her touch shrinks when I don't have others perceptions of her. Today I have been loaded up with the words of people who loved her-- not because they had to, but because they loved to love her. This surplus should last me for a while.

The way Olivia touched mine and Brian's life will never leave me. It will always be at the forefront when I think of her, which is often. But how she reached out and touched others without having good muscles or words to do it with is beyond me. I do understand that after someone dies its everyone's instinct to make them some sort of a "saint".  Olivia did have a nasty attitude from time to time and did plenty of "naughty" things-- don't get me wrong, but she was a very special girl who had the intense pleasure and incredible opportunity to connect with others.

Today I was reminded that hosts of people at Children's Mercy Hospital here in Kansas City, other patient families and especially staff were truly touched and honored to know my child. They all still remember her and tell stories of her sassy little attitude and determined spirit. I am SO proud to be her mother. After that very touching phone call with a CMH employee I got to turn in my volunteer form to CCVI (Children's Center for the Visually Impaired) where Liv attended preschool. It had been several weeks since I had walked into that building and honestly I was a little worried about how emotionally overwhelming it might be. There were a few small moments that I saw Liv so vividly in that building, but it was a beautiful array of memories and happy, not sad. Again, we were welcomed by everyone in the building who knew us. They wanted to say "hello" to Gabby, but also to hug us and remember all the things we both loved about Liv.

These people who have surrounded us for years, both at the hospital and the preschool, are part of what our family misses so much about missing Liv. They were family to us and spurred us on to care for our daughter well and to never, NEVER underestimate her. If someone did once, they never would twice, that is for sure. Thank you, if you are reading this as an employee of either facility. We dearly love you and miss you tons. Thanks for your care for Liv and our family, and especially thank you for keeping her memory alive--we are astonished and flattered.

And, just because I can't help it...

3 course meal

Here is the appetizer: I'm sorry. I've done it again. This time I sort of have an excuse. I honestly haven't been feeling well the past few weeks. I'm not a very good "rester" though and its difficult to say if "taking care of myself" doesn't feel just like lazy. The lines are blurry for me.

Since I last posted Brian has turned 30. We had a wonderful party with all of our friends to celebrate the man in my life that I am most proud of. Also, I am about 8 months younger than him, so I get to rub it in for a bit.

Gabby is NOT walking, though we are walking around the house holding just one of her hands now. She usually walks in a kind of circle when we do this, but its too cute to pass up.


The main course: You wanna hear one of my biggest problems? Its fall. Thats not the bad part, I love fall, but I think I love fall because its crazy busy. The bustle of the holidays starts earlier every year and now blends right into getting ready for school and Halloween. I LOVE football and all the outdoor activities you try and squeeze in before it gets really cold. My problem is I don't slow down. I don't stop and I don't think. Honestly, my attempts at quiet or thoughtful time lately (only when Gabs is napping) is full of making a list of things I haven't done yet. No lie. Its super depressing and super discouraging. I'm not writing this post because I found a solution. I 'm writing it because I haven't. Because every day I wake up with incredible intentions and fail them one after the other. I'm guessing you're not too different. Maybe we can work on that together?

Lord, I like to have a full calendar more than I like spending meaningful time with you. Please, help me!


The dessert: So even though Gabs isn't walking, don't mistake-- she is doing PLENTY of funny things. Here is a sweet treat.

Skinny jeans, bird caller wrestler, and cableknit

So listen, I keep thinking I need to be thoughtful enough to put together some kind of really deep and meaningful complete thought. Apparently I can't. Our life is crazy busy right now, which is good. It doesn't leave too much time to think, which is also good-- sometimes. We've been in and out of town a ton lately, but here is a conglomeration of things happening in our house--when we've been home.

I usually go jeans shopping by myself. Honestly, its been since I don't know when since I've bought jeans. Long enough that my favorite pair now has holes in both knees. I feel comfortable (the last 3 years) being slouchy and wearing clothes that are a little looser. I guess I would rather people not look twice at me. Odds are I'm not wearing make up, I haven't showered, or I've been crying-- or some combination of those. So, Brian and I went on a date the other night and after eating dinner we went jeans shopping. If I were shopping alone I would find the closest regular bootcut jeans in a size too big and take them up to the register. This time however, my husband swayed my purchases and we came home with two pairs. One (and my very first) pair of skinny jeans and some kind called "sexy bootcut". Guess who voted for those.

Brian and I have decided that Gabby's wrestling name should be (in megaphone voice) THE BIRD CALLER. All she does is jump up and down and make these insane movements all the time while making several variations on this silly guttural yelling. It sounds like she is trying out every kind of bird call that ever existed. God help us, I hope this is a short phase. On a side note, if you babysit or love my child at all, if she is unhappy I have found that multigrain cheerios will cure any ail. Seriously. Keep some in your back pocket in case you encounter THE BIRD CALLER.

The cableknit part needs only two pictures. They are actually almost the same age in these pics. Compare and contrast--or something.

Trying to be like her

People still ask us all the time how we are doing. The funny thing is, it'll be 2 months since Liv passed away this Thursday and I wonder what they mean. Do you mean just generally? Or how am I doing since my daughter passed away recently? So, if you're inclined to ask, I'm not sure the answer you're looking for, so clarification in your expectations would help.

To answer the question, namely the second one, good, I guess. I'm never sure how to measure things like that, since its all very relative to our particular situation and what we would consider "good" having no measuring stick or previous experience with that. We're eating and sleeping and exercising some. We laugh a lot, but we still cry plenty. Usually, I find, in the quiet (which only happens when Gabby is sleeping) and I have time to think or read or look at the pictures of her all around me-- those are the times I cry the most, but a lot of times the moments I treasure the most and find the most healing.

Often, because the weather has been amazing lately, I find myself reading or spending quiet moments on our porch. A lot of the time I lay flat on my back and stare up at the tree--Liv's tree. I think about what she liked so much about looking at that tree and I try to appreciate and praise God for those things too. That tree, the monstrous ancient one outside our house will always be Liv's tree. But, there has been a second one added to the collection now

I try and look up when I go visit Liv here too, at the cemetery. I don't lay flat on my back on the ground (I feel like that might draw a crowd at a cemetery) but I look up at the recently very blue sky and the half live/ half dead leaves on "her tree". I listen to the wind whipping through the branches that sounds just like applause. I slowly begin to understand. It is not slowing down for the sake of slowing down. It is slowing down to notice and appreciate and understand the world that God has given us--a world that is desperately broken and sinister and decrepit, but that is full of wonderful things and moments like these. Thats what and who Liv was. She was the victim of a very broken and decrepit body. Many days were painful and difficult and sad, but always, we were grateful for any time with our little girl-- even the bad ones. And in those moments we take to appreciate her and who God made her to be, even in this sad world, we are like her and we draw closer to the heart of God.

I am continually finding it difficult to fully explain the role of faith in how we are "doing". I know, but it would be next to impossible for me to find appropriate words. Thankfully, God gave us books. I am reading this book by Nancy Guthrie called "Hearing Jesus Speak into Your Sorrow". I've read some other books, even others of her books, and while some of them are semi-helpful, this book has helped me think the things I am feeling. This is how we are doing...

Most of us have known what it is like to be full--to be full of ideas and full of promise, to have a full plate. Full feels good. But now we know what it is to be empty. And empty doesn't feel so good. One of the main ingredients of sorrow is emptiness--a deep and devastating emptiness left behind by empty promises, empty arms, an empty womb, an empty bank account, an empty place at the table, an empty bedroom, an empty bed. But as bad as empty feels, sometimes emptiness is actually good. God can work with empty. Over and over in Scripture we see that God fills emptiness with his own power and life.

We are feeling empty. But, are completely hopeful, and even expectant knowing that God will fill us again. Maybe soon. Maybe differently than we expected (in fact, probably) but having full faith that he will fill us with himself. 

Gabba Dabba Doo: the nine months edition

Every time I start to write this blogpost (that I promised a while ago, I know) I think of all the pictures and all the stories I owe you and I chicken out and put it on the bottom of the pile of things to do. Yes, apparently I'd rather clean my bathroom than update you on Gabs. And not because I don't want to tell you, but because my crazy girl is doing so much. There are so many stories and faces and milestones I know I won't remember them all. Here is a shot...

Gabs is crawling. She has been for several weeks. She's nutty and doesn't crawl like other kids--my mom calls it Quasimoto crawling--one foot and one knee to the ground. She is preparing to run.

Or climb stairs. Left her in the foyer for about four seconds by herself a week after she started crawling. Yes, she is blurry and the stairs are, well, permanently (or so it seems) under construction.

Also doing this. On about every piece of furniture we own.

She LOVES the park and being outdoors. Its a good thing. Otherwise I would think she wasn't my child.

She also has two teeth now, but still wants to stick with baby food.

She is still teeny tiny, but completely fearless. I think its a rule those two things have to go together.

Gabs has been saying "momma" for a while now. She CAN say "dadda", she just chooses not to. Poor Daddy. The last few days have been better for him, though. She has stopped referring to him as "momma".

Gabs is SUPER fun, but at that age and with that personality that Brian and I are learning a ton about discipline that we didn't have to exercise with Liv. Its a constant reminder of how impatient I am. I have reverted to giving Gabs and I pep talks about being more patient. I sound out the word while she stares intently at my lips PA-TIEN-CE.

Funny things about Gabs:

--For a while she thought all books had braille in them because our boardbooks were sent from a group that supplied Liv's school with books. She would run her hands down the pages of all of those books. I think she became disappointed enough that she just stopped.

--She commits to whatever it is she wants to do 200%. If she is planning to play in the dog's water bowl, dangit, she does not care that you're yelling "no" and running at her. She WILL put her hands in that bowl.

--She dosen't play "with" other kids. But she will play with the dog. Go figure.

--When she wants to put something in her mouth and she knows she is not supposed to she shimmies her legs and turns her back to you to try and sneak a taste. Seriously?

Gabs, we adore you. You are so fun and so naughty and you definitely keep us on our toes. You are adorable--and you know it. We are so blessed and privileged to be your parents. Please, heed our spankins, never bring home a boyfriend, join a convent, and never call us from jail. ok?